Where do I start?
It took me a long, long stroll to find the end of it. A long and slow feet dragging activity that wore me down quickly, thinking about the words I was going to say to you when we would finally see each other. I couldn't seem to use logic this time, but I know I had to.
Everything I had planned in my head vanished just like that when I saw your being.
A bartender poured his mix into a small glass he was holding, shaking it a little bit before handing it to another person. That person was you, who closed those round eyes with every sip taken. Was it heaven that you were drinking on?
I grabbed a seat on the farthest table possible to avoid the growing tension between wanting to actually talk it out or slapping myself hard with a bar stool. But my head didn't seem to care, my vision went blurry in mere seconds. I lit a cigarette and looked around in anticipation when someone was coming over.
There you go.
"Been a long time, huh?"
I looked up to see your presence hovered over the table. I took a long drag before blowing the smoke. In your face. And you didn't seem to be affected by it.
"You come here often?"
"Not really. Sometimes when I need to have something down in my system, I will stop by this place and grab some."
Now we were on the same eye level as you sat yourself on the seat in front of me, shaking your glass a little.
"You know, this particular mix reminds me of you, sort of."
"Why?"
The corners of your lips lifted up slightly and for a split second, I forgot that I was actually feeling very upset. About everything.
"Why? Because it fucking burns when it slides down my throat but I will still fucking drink more of it anyway."
"Oh."
I really didn't know what to respond to it. You had been drinking too much and were probably already out of your mind at the moment.
I had been waiting for eight years to be in this moment but now that I was literally face-to-face with you, the feeling was ambiguous. Had it been too long? Perhaps the feelings wore off as time had passed?
Who was this ghost in front of me?
A burp came out of your mouth and you chuckled.
"How much have you drunk tonight? It's only 9 PM."
You brought up your fingers and started to count sluggishly. Your fingers signed seven.
"What is it? Vodka?"
You mouthed a 'yes', nodding.
You were, literally and figuratively, half-dead in front of me. A zombie trying to stay relevant in the human world. I tried to shake the feeling of disappoinment that started to slowly emerge by reminiscing the memories I had with you before you ghosted away years ago.
They were lovely. And so were you.
I eyed the figure in front of me, trying to look you in the eyes to make sure if the sparks were still there. It was difficult as you almost always closed your eyes most of the times.
I felt like I was stupid enough as a human to find a life inside a dead body.
"What the hell were you thinking?"
"Huh?"
"I left you for good and you were still trying to find me after years? For what?"
I took a long drag and held the smoke for a few seconds in my lungs before blowing it out. My heart was thumping madly that it reached my ears, making the not-so crowded place now become so noisy.
"I.. I don't know. I guess I just want some closure?"
"Clo- what? For what? Haven't I made it clear already!?"
Your tone went so high it hit the roof and brought everyone's attention to our table.
"What the hell are y'all looking at!?!?!"
Other guests seemed confused but obeyed anyway as they looked away from us and went back to their businesses.
I started to grow fond of the doubt that sat at the back of my mind. This wasn't how I expected you to hear the news. I knew you would never buy this thing seriously, even in your most sober state of mind.
"Okay, can I talk now? Do you still want to listen to me?"
You didn't seem to care but still managed so hard to straighten up your posture with the last strain of consciousness you had.
"Oh.. o-okay, now t-tell me q-quick 'cuz I don't have m-much t-time."
"Alright, I..."
In all of a sudden, I felt like I was suffocating and it was so hard to breathe. Everything went hazy in mere seconds and my vision went blurry. Water filled my surrounding as if the whole place was sunk into a cold, deep lake yet I couldn't do anything about it. I knew I could swim, but my body became so stiff that I wasn't able to move even the slightest bit. I felt as if all my strength has gone.
The awful moment happened for God knows how long. It felt too intense and realistic for a dream. And for a split second, I thought I was dying. This was the end of me; my finish line.
- - - - -
Until I felt a pair of bare hands lift my body.
"Hey, what is happening? Are you okay?"
My lungs struggled to get the remaining water out, making me cough and gasp for air. Even though my whole body was damp, I could still feel the warm streams of water rolling down my cheek.
What the hell was that?
"Take a deep breath. I'm here, I'm here."
You tried to sit me on the corner of the bathtub, put on a fresh towel over my shaking frame, and then proceeded to pull the tub plug, letting the water drain itself out.
"W-what happened?"
"I just came home from work and there was no answer to my 'I'm home' like usual. I thought you were sleeping but when I went to our room, no one was in sight but I heard some faint burble from the bathroom so, yeah, I supposed you were taking a shower. So I decided to head to the kitchen to make myself some coffee."
You paused for a while and sighed.
"Another five or six minutes had passed, I still thought you were not done yet so I decided to wait anyway. It's been past 20 minutes that I thought something wasn't right because usually you didn't take that long for a shower. I knew you must have gotten into the bathroom long before I came home, so I decided to barge in to check on you. When I opened the door, I only saw your knees peeking from the bathtub. I just knew something wasn't okay because I saw your pill bottles scattered on the floor."
I was still quivering despite the warm towel and your hands around me. A few sobs escaped as I tried to speak.
"Did you still remember anything?"
"I.. that was the worst nightmare I've had for the past 5 months."
"Do you mind telling me what is it?"
You kept stroking my back as I tried to squeeze some words out of my mouth in between sobs.
"Y-you left me and you said it was for good. I didn't know that I was already pregnant at that time, but I chose not to look for you and tell you about it so I raised her alone. Until one day I decided to find you to let you know about her, eight years later."
You gave no response other than widening your eyes at my words but still managed to slowly stroke my back.
"A..and I couldn't believe that you looked like a walking dead, a junkie? Your body was way thinner than this, your face dull. Already shitfaced with seven shots of vodka and it was only 9 PM. Overall you looked really disheveled."
"Oh God, that me in your dream sounds fucking horrible. Go on, please."
"The situation was just strange. I had to go through a dim and very long hallway to reach the place where we planned to meet. It felt like as if I was dragging my feet and there was no end to it. And when I finally saw you, I was suddenly lost for words. You were too drunk to function, let alone receive such news."
I paused a little bit to catch my breath. My head was still heavy from the meds I had taken earlier. While you waited for me to continue, you were humming my favorite song as your fingers caressed my head, trying to untangle strands of my wet and unruly hair.
"And.. when I finally got the chance to say it, suddenly everything went in a blur. I felt like drowning but I don't know why I couldn't even move myself or get out of the water. I didn't even remember if I was still sitting in the bathtub."
My heart wrenched trying to remember those moments. It was real at the same time it was surreal.
"I-I thought that was the last time I would see your face. And that wasn't the kind of ending I want to have with you, ever."
Again, I broke down in tears.
You hushed me, hugging me even harder to calm myself down. I buried my face into the nook of your neck to muffle myself.
"Ssshh... it would never happen, okay? See? I'm here, you're safe with me now."
"Y-you know sometimes dreams, any of it, can manifest in your real life, right?"
You cupped my face and brought it closer to yours, seeing right through my eyes.
"You know, even if they will, I believe this one will never, ever happen in yours or mine. And I'll make sure of it."
By the way you comforted me today, something was seemingly blossoming inside of me. It was a familiar warmth I once felt when I got to know you for the first time, four years ago. That was something I held myself on to since forever.
And I hoped it wasn't such a false sense of security.
- - - - -
"Mommy?"
"Yes, hun?"
"Why do I never get to see Daddy?"
Unfortunately, life never made sure it wouldn't happen. That one bad dream had escaped from the realm of unconsciousness and eventually manifested itself in reality.
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